Repeating myself. It's the most apropos phrase I've heard yet for what I've long thought of in these terms:
Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. - Pema Chodron
The power of repeating myself shows up
in the way my voice parrots without my permission
in the job that I have entered, yet again
only to feel the life stifled out of me as I support someone else's thin vision
there's no air up here
in the resentment I feel at not being seen
being disregarded by those who are trying to pull me close
closer and closer
until I disappear from their field of vision in their near-sightedness
it's really bad enough that I can't see myself
it's enough really
but to not have a mirror that reflects
anything of me at all
I guess I've disappeared myself
I fit in where I get in with you
I don't ask for support getting what I want
and even when I do my asking is trumped by another's needs
ground zero
starting over
right where I started
I have to appear myself
let others off the hook for not seeing me when I erased myself
all is forgiven
and in time I will forget
I will stop linking the stories of today
to my feeling of yesterday
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Textual erosion...inspired by Claudia Rankine, killing of black bodies, justice-giving re-telling of stories
Our bodies as text. What are you reading? Are you reading me right?! Do you have the right reference text (it's big and heavy and goes back a long way and you couldn't have read it in the minute it took you to make your judgment)? I judge all the time. Unfairly, perhaps. Instinctively sometimes. Trained, yes. The types of judgment I pass are protective and I was trained and then trained myself up to do this.
My mind flashed back on erasure today...both as in the poetic literary technique, and as in the feeling that I and other people of color have felt in certain spaces and around people who don't (want to) see us. This thought was sparked (again) by starting to read Claudia Rankine's An American Lyric.
We are...scattered fragments...text worn away by the elements...disappeared landscape...molten objects...why did I just read about the alleged lynching of a black man in Mississippi?! Why did this happen? Why is this still happening?...
We are being disappeared because of the threat of our insistence to be seen. To be heard. To be revived as human form who can inject power in our stories and tell them ourselves.
The re-writing of a story to inject power in it... I saw this in Scandal recently when Shonda Rhimes wrote a story that was achingly similar to Michael Brown's. A teenage boy was shot by a police officer who claimed he had been armed. As the boy lay dead in the street (in Scandal), his father appeared with his shot gun and determined, sat over his son until he was assured that the investigation would be handled properly. Turns out that in this story, the shooting officer planted a knife on the teen to make it look like the killing was justified; the officer was arrested. All of this uncovered by Olivia Pope, a black woman who is the protagonist in this show. There were many layers of race, class, judgment, protection issues being addressed, and inherent in the writing of the story was a making visible the invisible factors that surround these real life dramas. The erasure was of the dominant narrative. It happened slowly in this story as Olivia herself came to realizations and through her lens, the narrative shifted. +++++ our renewed insistence to be seen and heard and to tell our own stories through every possible medium will mean a wearing away of the imposed text that some have trained themselves up to see, at the exclusion of all reference.
My mind flashed back on erasure today...both as in the poetic literary technique, and as in the feeling that I and other people of color have felt in certain spaces and around people who don't (want to) see us. This thought was sparked (again) by starting to read Claudia Rankine's An American Lyric.
We are...scattered fragments...text worn away by the elements...disappeared landscape...molten objects...why did I just read about the alleged lynching of a black man in Mississippi?! Why did this happen? Why is this still happening?...
We are being disappeared because of the threat of our insistence to be seen. To be heard. To be revived as human form who can inject power in our stories and tell them ourselves.
The re-writing of a story to inject power in it... I saw this in Scandal recently when Shonda Rhimes wrote a story that was achingly similar to Michael Brown's. A teenage boy was shot by a police officer who claimed he had been armed. As the boy lay dead in the street (in Scandal), his father appeared with his shot gun and determined, sat over his son until he was assured that the investigation would be handled properly. Turns out that in this story, the shooting officer planted a knife on the teen to make it look like the killing was justified; the officer was arrested. All of this uncovered by Olivia Pope, a black woman who is the protagonist in this show. There were many layers of race, class, judgment, protection issues being addressed, and inherent in the writing of the story was a making visible the invisible factors that surround these real life dramas. The erasure was of the dominant narrative. It happened slowly in this story as Olivia herself came to realizations and through her lens, the narrative shifted. +++++ our renewed insistence to be seen and heard and to tell our own stories through every possible medium will mean a wearing away of the imposed text that some have trained themselves up to see, at the exclusion of all reference.
passage from Tablet I*:
he is splayed on the… … … like a worn-out pig (god?)
he is un- + + + + + + + +
his is dis- + + + + + + + + + + + +
he is + + + + + + + + + + + -less
his de- + + + + + + + + + + +
he is impossible on the dry ground + + + + + + + + + + before … … … ..
he is non- + + + + + + + +
he is pre- + + + + + + + + + +*
he is un- + + + + + + + +
his is dis- + + + + + + + + + + + +
he is + + + + + + + + + + + -less
his de- + + + + + + + + + + +
he is impossible on the dry ground + + + + + + + + + + before … … … ..
he is non- + + + + + + + +
he is pre- + + + + + + + + + +*
*Armand Schwerer
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Resource me, Mum
like a dream to me now, faded in its imprint but real nonetheless
...She was darker than you and me but despised her own blackness. She would have loved your humor and you would have won her over with your big grins, hearty laughter, and irreverent jokes. She was queen of irreverent jokes and liked to carry a cutlass. She was a warrior. She shook people down for money owed her. She ripped at things like thongs (*uck me quick panties), people who said things she didn’t think made sense (what are you, shtupid?!), and sniffed out lies around every corner. She was straightforward, no nonsense, and cared about our wellbeing. After she died I mused about how well I knew her. What had our connection meant. What did I learn from her. That’s when I started to dream about her and when she started to come to me about the then-current man in my life. She came to me I believe, to teach me, to build me up, to strengthen my belief in myself and the role I could have in this world. She had a man (my step-grandfather) who though married, built her houses, dwellings for her and for her family to live in and to have a future with financial resources and security. He was moved to care for her in tangible ways even when he was primarily responsible for others. This was a strong example to me of a relationship that superseded the seemingly impossible circumstances to survive and thrive. She supported him until his death and she was supported well past hers and their legacy has now benefited the second and third generations of her family. I don’t know yet what legacy really means to me but I’m finding my own definition...
Monday, December 22, 2014
Value dance
Value dance by
Melissa Alexis November 21, 2014
In past weeks The Boston Globe Opinion page has been
overflowing with arts-focused writing upon the appointment of Julie Burros, the
incoming Chief of Arts & Culture for the City of Boston. (http://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2014/11/14/developing-boston-arts-community/UGqbfurzCJYC7qaHc1bl8L/story.html). I want to add my welcome to a dance world in
Boston that has a lot of room for positive growth and development and implore
the City of Boston to renew focus on granting robust funding, for operational and programming
support, to companies with a high number and quality of trained dancers and
strong leadership. Two such companies are Jean Appolon Expressions (JAE) and
Urbanity Dance. I interviewed the
directors of these companies for whom delivering high quality dance programming
in the communities in Boston is just as important as delivering top-notch
performances. Both directors acknowledge
the well-known trend in Boston of dancers working for free or little pay
because like theirs, many companies don’t gain adequate funding to allow for
more than nominal operational costs, such as space rental and production
fees. There is a ceiling for dance
growth that additional support would help companies like these blast past to
aspire to join the ranks of the merely one professional dance company in Boston
that is well-funded enough to retain a large number of highly skilled dancers
and pay them a living wage. For this
reason, JAE is embarking on a campaign for operational support - let’s call it
a human capital campaign: https://www.crowdrise.com/jeanappolonexpressions
These are under-resourced, under-valued companies serving
under-resourced, under-valued communities - a model that is clearly not sustainable. I also want to ask Ms. Burros to examine and
with professionals in the field, publish, standards of fee for artistic service; and let this take root in our vocabulary
and our negotiations. In my love note to
dancers, choreographers, and presenters, I want to remind us all that we help
set the standard. We should accept and
offer nothing short of a fair fee for artistic service given the
education/training, time, work, operational expense and salaries for which we
have to account. As Jean Appolon puts
it, “the value of dance is very high, not just monetary, but it is something
that the community needs. People coming
to my class are so relieved to listen to the music, to move their bodies...now
more than ever, everything is about dance - from So You Think You Can Dance to
the toothpaste commercial - we need to respect it and value it so we can all
benefit from it in the future. I know
that dance is really essential to the growth of our communities but people have
a hard time understanding what this means.”
Simply put, dance heals. We
should all invest in this kind of healing.
Excerpts of interview
with Jean Appolon, Co-founder & Artistic Director of JAE and Betsi Graves,
Director of Urbanity Dance (JAE has been in operation since 2011 and Urbanity
since 2008):
What do you consider your primary mission?
Jean/JAE: To make dance accessible to everyone, but mainly
underprivileged kids in Boston and Haiti.
Betsi/Urbanity: Empower, engage, and inspire individuals and
communities through the art of dance and movement. At the forefront of everything we do is
community-building.
What are your primary activities?
Jean/JAE: Performance; teaching classes and workshops like our
classes at Cambridge-based Community Arts Center; contributing to conferences/convenings
(scholarship and community-focused); and conducting a free summer institute in
Haiti.
Betsi/Urbanity: Performance; on and off-site teaching; and
producing our own shows and other companies through the Boston Contemporary
Dance Festival (I’m not sure if this can be continued because of the cost; this
goes back to our vision and mission to support Boston-based dance companies and
to revitalize Boston as a leader in presenting dance).
From which activity do you derive the bulk of your revenue?
Jean/JAE: Grassroots community fundraising and grants from
institutions.
Betsi/Urbanity: Mostly our on-site school but not
overwhelmingly. A lot of performances
break even and programs right now are completely sustainable. Boston Public
Schools (BPS), for example, were told exactly how much it cost to run programs
at selected schools and the schools chipped in.
Who are your primary funders?
Jean/JAE: Kellogg
Foundation awarded us a one-time grant last year for $25,000. Before Kellogg, individuals mostly, friends
and class members. We’ve also received support from FOKAL, a foundation in
Haiti.
Betsi/Urbanity: Individuals; giving $250 on average.
As director, do you pay yourself a salary? Do you pay dancers?
Jean/JAE: My dancers and
I are on a volunteer basis, but we are finally able to pay ourselves for
performances and a monthly stipend.
Betsi/Urbanity: Yes to both.
What is a living wage in dance?
Jean/JAE: A minimum
should be $700 weekly.
Betsi/Urbanity: What you need to live a comfortable life. In
the same way that teachers prepare for class...you need to take into
consideration the hours before and after rehearsal, of craft and the toll it
takes on bodies. Like in other
industries, a tiered pay scale to reflect education/experience. A lot of our
dancers have a college degree and pay should reflect that.
What is a fair fee for artistic services and how do you
calculate this?
Jean/JAE: Calculated by
how we can pay a company of 8 dancers, 4 musicians, and 2 directors. To me, fair is $5000 each time we step out to
do a performance. Our baseline price for a performance in the Boston area is
$2500 although we often negotiate.
Betsi/Urbanity: Biggest factor – does it have to be an original
work; if not, it’s easier (more cost effective). $2000-2500 (existing repertory piece), $5000
(for original work).
How can the City of Boston assist your organization’s growth?
Jean/JAE: There needs to
be more engagement. I feel like in
Boston people need help figuring out how to get engaged with dance. If they’re not coming to see a performance or
to see a friend perform, they don’t come.
Betsi/Urbanity: There
has to be a resurgence in the value of art.
It’s hard to make the case for that when there are competing priorities
such as homelessness, hunger, imprisonment.
It’s hard when you compare art to these issues. I think art is as important. In a city that
has so many creatives, other institutions that do great work, this doesn’t make
sense. It doesn’t make sense that we
have only one dance institution [Boston Ballet] that is the only option. What I see is a pretty stark inequity between
1) arts organizations and other [industry] organizations in Boston; and 2) the
relative success of [established] institutions and the “little ducks in Boston”
that have a really unique and important voice.
It would be really sad if people’s experience of dance in Boston didn’t
include all of these colors.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Get me off the grid...
This box, solid like a wooden coffin some days
suffocating me
make a salary
do, do, achieve, and earn
no premium put on how we learn
no, just like a bounty held over my head
I can't get ahead
slidin' back like a baby tryin' to get up that slide
on the wrong not-the-ladder-side
I've seen the ladder from afar
As other people either climb nimbly from one rung
to another, or as I spot her there perched on top -
look closer
she's ingested a man's conditioned response and regurgitates
hardened to the humanity
of the reality
of a woman's work
Work, feed, clothe, house, decorate, earn, learn, pay,
educate, nurture, dig deeper into the well
surrounded by the four walls constructed by men
So weary of these air-tight walls
I can't breathe
said Eric Garner, over and over again in that video
that I wished I hadn't clicked on
to watch those men pounce on
closing in, constricting his airways
choking the death out of him as his life force had already
faded
He faded by their hand
Our humanity, my humanity
Is fading
By their invisible hands holding up the walls visible to the
invisible men and women of this country
And countless corners of the world that have been touched
by those hands
I want off the grid, out of the walls of
Earn to live, (y)earn to be respected, look and sound a certain way
to be acknowledged as a fellow be-ing
We're so busy do-ing that we have forgotten each other
Can't even see each other
Until we remember not to forget our selves and get on
the path to go closer, forge deeper... into the well
where walls don't exist.
This box, solid like a wooden coffin some days
suffocating me
make a salary
do, do, achieve, and earn
no premium put on how we learn
no, just like a bounty held over my head
I can't get ahead
slidin' back like a baby tryin' to get up that slide
on the wrong not-the-ladder-side
I've seen the ladder from afar
As other people either climb nimbly from one rung
to another, or as I spot her there perched on top -
look closer
she's ingested a man's conditioned response and regurgitates
hardened to the humanity
of the reality
of a woman's work
Work, feed, clothe, house, decorate, earn, learn, pay,
educate, nurture, dig deeper into the well
surrounded by the four walls constructed by men
So weary of these air-tight walls
I can't breathe
said Eric Garner, over and over again in that video
that I wished I hadn't clicked on
to watch those men pounce on
closing in, constricting his airways
choking the death out of him as his life force had already
faded
He faded by their hand
Our humanity, my humanity
Is fading
By their invisible hands holding up the walls visible to the
invisible men and women of this country
And countless corners of the world that have been touched
by those hands
I want off the grid, out of the walls of
Earn to live, (y)earn to be respected, look and sound a certain way
to be acknowledged as a fellow be-ing
We're so busy do-ing that we have forgotten each other
Can't even see each other
Until we remember not to forget our selves and get on
the path to go closer, forge deeper... into the well
where walls don't exist.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Cross-posting astrology from the amazing, insightful Chani Nicholas. We need all the positive guidance we can assemble during these times...we are at the precipice...good things await. I'm sure of it
http://www.chaninicholas.com/full-moon-gemini-horoscopes-week-december-1st/
My sister friend calls for us to determine 5 things we would like to accomplish before 2014 ends. A challenge to all of us to make this kind of essentials list and attend to our time and attention in the next 30 days. I'm on it...who's with me?
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